Wise From Your Grave: A Look Back At the Dreamcast Launch Buffet Pt. I

Celebrate Easter weekend with a heartfelt look at the sacrifice of Sega’s son so that all of gaming might be saved.

It’s taken slightly less than a decade, but OLC’s crankiest writer has finally managed to play every Dreamcast launch game. “Oh Christan Lowery (Staff Writer, http://www.onelastcontinue.com,) why would it take upwards of ten years for one man, especially one with as ample a supply of free time as yourself, to play through all the launch games of Sega’s swan song?” the masses cry. “Surely you treasured each one like a glimmering bejeweled teardrop from Heaven?” Of course I didn’t. The bitter reality of retrogaming is that very few games live up to the combination of initial novelty and powerful nostalgia that comes from not touching it again for another five years. I am nothing if not eternally optimistic, however, and in light of my recent re-examination of whether or not the Dreamcast really had the staying power to keep up with the new kids, (Spoiler alert! It didn’t, but it’s a damn fine system anyway.) I’ve taken to throwing myself against the tidal wave of 18 launch titles that loomed over American shores one fateful 9/9/99. Over the next few days, I’ll be seeing what it was really thinking as I tear into the individual games facing us before we found out there weren’t any VMUs or copies of Soul Calibur and just bought Final Fantasy VIII instead.

• Soul Calibur: Sure, this may be the ultimate 3d fighting game, but looking back we should have seen the warning signs. A panty flash here, semi-visible ninja nipple there. Oh, who does it really hurt if we slip in a cartoonish butch dominatrix with a sword whip? Namco knows what they are doing, they can quit anytime they want. If only we knew what this once beloved franchise would become, but by the time we woke up and saw Soul Calibur IV engaging in intergalactic harlotry with three Star Wars characters, it was too late. Unfortunate aesthetics aside, Soul Calibur stands as one of the finest fighting games of all time; with a varied cast and a system that allows a rabid button masher to overcome a skilled opponent just enough for versus to remain interesting, it’s little wonder that none of the sequels come close to the charm Soul Calibur effortlessly sold thousands of systems with.

• Power Stone: Then again, there is always something to be said for frantic button mashing. Power Stone taps into this id-based market with a blindingly colorful array of anime characters representing the finest archetypes of 19^th century period fiction. It’s a shame that the far superior sequel dropped less than a year later and rendered the original completely unplayable, because there’s a little bit of a Power Stone fan in all of us. Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is not through word or deed, but through turning into a demon with flaming hair and summoning a djinn to spit SUV-sized fireballs at your foe. Coincidentally, more astute readers might notice that this list is stacked towards fighting games. This is not a coincidence, but rather a sad and recurring theme throughout the Dreamcast’s short, bepummeled life.

• House of the Dead 2: Sega was feeling quite panicked as the clock loomed toward quadruple nine. After a decade of pissing away consumer goodwill through repeated abandonment and shoddy technology, the company was at a loss as to how they might be able to still screw up this new system to keep the stockholders happy. At the same time, the fourth line of cocaine had just managed to disintegrate into the mucus membrane of a young man in Manufacturing, and salvation came at last. “By God! If we ship one memory card for every fifty units sold and refuse to bring over the light gun because Americans have a vague history of shooting at each other, we can finally run this boat ashore!” Nine years later, Mario outran Sonic at the Olympic games, and that young executive looked down with a smile from Disco Ball Heaven. House of the Dead 2 is still about the most fun you can legally have with a gun, but the lack of first-party accessories and the fact that a better version is available on the Wii makes this a tough sell ten years after the fact.
  
• Ready 2 Rumble Boxing: As a culture we may have managed to block it out, but the Tyson-Holyfield bite heard round the world lead to a resurgence of boxing game as the twentieth century packed it’s bags in quiet resignation. EA and Sony were in a clinch with their Knockout Kings and Contender franchises respectively, and even Mike Tyson put his name on a boxing game that was every bit as awful as you might expect. So where was the Punch-Out!! of this fisticuff renaissance? It sure wasn’t Ready 2 Rumble Boxing, but the people were willing to suspend their disbelief for as long as it took to get a few uppercuts in on obnoxious mascot-by-default Afro Thunder. Ready 2 Rumble Boxing is also a valuable cultural milestone as it marks the last time anyone actually cared about the trademarked catchphrase of Michael “I just received ten dollars in royalties from you reading this sentence” Buffer.

• NFL Blitz 2000: Remember that time you were waiting for your pizza and, with nothing better to do, plunked two quarters in the disused NFL Blitz machine in the shadiest corner of the local health code atrocity? Midway does. Remember how much fun you had hitting people after the whistle blew, loudly screaming your favorite quotes from the recent Adam Sandler atrocity The Waterboy to the dismay of every human being within earshot? Midway remembers very, very well. Remember how you walked away after the end of the first quarter to spend another 49.50 on a home version to play on your sleek new machine of the future? Midway doesn’t remember that, because it never happened. This is why Midway is going out of business.

• Expendable: Winner of the Sega Technical Instutute “Truth in Advertising” award, 1999.