Review/Rant: Punch-Out!

Did you really wait 15 years for this game?  Was there really a point 2 or 3 years after Super Punch-Out!! where you wanted a sequel?

Was there ever a point during the N64 generation where you begged the question, “Where is the next Punch-Out!!?”  When the GameCube took a sales beating from Sony’s PS2, did you cry out, “Give us a new Punch-Out!!“  Hell, when the planet Earth began its love affair with the Nintendo DS, did you actually think they should have had some kind of stylus-oriented boxing game that was set in the universe of Punch-Out!!?

I doubt it.

After three generations I’d basically given up on the idea.  After three generations most people didn’t think the game would ever come back.  Thus, when I came to find out Punch-Out!! would come back on the Wii, I thought about what the game should be like.  After all, we’re talking about a game as old as the SNES coming back into a new world of online capabilities, user customization, high-definition, and multiple ways of interfacing with the same game.  This thing is going to be awesome!

WHOOPS!

My bad, folks.  I expected something released in this generation to meet some standards.  I didn’t know Nintendo would rather rerelease something that could have been done in the N64 generation.  I didn’t know they thought selling a WiiWare game for $50 would be fine so long as it shared the title of a 15 year old classic.  I didn’t know other reviewers out there would lap it up just because it’s a relatively decent Wii game.  Damn, I sound pretty harsh, don’t I?  Well there’s a great reason for that.

This game will leave you feeling empty inside.

“As empty as the gap in my teeth!”

Yeah, sounds dramatic, I know… but it’s true!  If you asked me before I played the game what I would expect from a $50 revamped and updated version of Punch-Out!! I would give you the following list:

• Customizable Character – Sure, Little Mac is supposed to be the star of the show, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to unlock some new characters, right?  Maybe even give the slightest ability to change hair, eyes, or maybe just clothing?  Nope, nothing to be seen here.  I know there’s that other character from Super Punch-Out!! but from what I’ve seen he only shows up in multiplayer mode.
• Play As The Opponents - There was an SNES game called Battle Clash that worked with the Super Scope.  You were in an automatically moving mech and you shot at enemy mechs.  What would have been the best thing to put in the sequel?  A versus mode where the controller controls the mech and the Super Scope player fights him.  When the sequel, Metal Combat: Falcon’s Revenge finally came out, what did they add?  A versus mode with controller mech vs Super Scope player!  Best thing ever, done in the same console generation, increased the game’s replay value to the Nth degree.  So why the fuck couldn’t Nintendo manage to include this kind of thing in Punch-Out!!?
• Good Use Of Motion Controls – Nope.  Game senses general lateral movement and that’s it.  I don’t have a Wii Balance Board so I couldn’t tell you if that’s any good but if it’s anything like the motion controls then I have serious doubts.
• Online Multiplayer – Halfway there Nintendo.  Split-screen multiplayer is a step up from the previous game’s iteration, yes, but 15 years have passed and you have a console that connects to the Internet.  You should probably use that functionality because not everyone has someone locally who wants to play at any beck and call.  After all, the single player is lacking any sort of replayability.
• More Characters Than I Can Count On My Digits – And by digits, I am including toes.  What I’m trying to say is… I think something like 20-30 opponents would be reasonable.  After all, Super Punch-Out!! had 16 of them.  Seems reasonable to expect a few more, right?  Whoops, wrong again. You’ll note that the commercial advertises the game saying “15 classic characters and new ones!”  There are 18 characters (17 if you don’t manage to beat the game twice over and then face a secret one [Donkey Kong] in “random mode”) which means only 3 characters are “new ones.”  15 years and Nintendo could only manage to add 3 new characters to the game.  Oh wait, make that 2 new characters… Donkey Kong isn’t new.  Good thing they managed to make more than one new character, otherwise the pluralization at the end of “new ones!” would be incorrect.
• Good Graphics – I know graphics aren’t important, but really… there is a standard here people.  Literally, the graphics in this game could have been done at the same resolution and framerate on the N64.  This game feels like it was released 10 years ago then updated for Wii controls and sold today at full price.  This game feels like a WiiWare release that they decided to put on disc instead.  There is barely any texturing because the game is cel-shaded, so instead of any actual textures… all geometry is simply solidly colored.  Oh yeah, apparently whoever coded the crowds in the background watching you fight worked on Playstation games because all they are are repeating animations of 2D shadows that kinda look like human beings.  Well… at least they kinda added lighting effects…
• More Maneuvers – Super Punch-Out!! pretty much defined solid gameplay and solid controls.  You could block high or low, dodge left or right, or simply duck.  You could uppercut left or right, or jab left or right.  As you gained super power, you could either use it to rapid-fire uppercut/jab or you could do one massively powerful uppercut/jab.  Solid, right?  They probably could have added a third tier of attacks in the latest Punch-Out!! Maybe a couple more ways to dodge?  No?  Okay fine, keep the same controls, that’s fine.  What?  You’re going to get rid of low blocking?  You’re going to get rid of rapid-fire special attacks?  You’re going to get rid of super-powered jabbing altogether?  So you have 1 super move with simply 3 tiers of amount of damage it will do, 4 ways of blocking, and 4 ways of attacking.  Thanks for dumbing the game down, it was totally way too difficult before. Sorry, is my sarcasm showing?  *zip*
• Subtitles – Admittedly I wouldn’t put this on the list, but it has to be mentioned.  In a day and age like ours, games try their best to cater to those who are handicapped.  Thus, I feel sorry for deaf people on this one, let alone all of us who only speak English.  The game has no subtitles, even when your opponents who come from other nations and speak, exclusively, that nation’s language.  Yes, you will fight a French man who only speaks French and a Russian man who only speaks Russian and you will not know what they are saying because there are no subtitles!  Smooth move there Nintendo.  Not only can the deaf not know what the opponent is saying, but people who don’t know foreign languages can’t either!
• Proper Audience Targeting - OK, fine, another one that I wouldn’t mention had I not already played the game.  However, when I did play this game, I get the sense of a couple of things.  One, I get the sense Nintendo doesn’t know how the hell to handle homosexual characters (I’m looking at you Disco Kid.)  Two, I get the sense this was supposed to be for little kids (the illustrations between battles of the opponents outside the ring are basically 100% slapstick, poorly-executed humor that even children would only merely grin at.)  Three, I get the sense that Nintendo now thinks “core gamers” are people who play games just to beat them and not because the game is inherently fun.  This is important to note as the difficulty can ramp up to a ridiculously frustrating level.  Reviewers love to point this out and say, “Finally, a game that’s ‘Nintendo Hard‘ again!  Perfect for hardcore gamers!”  What they fail to realize is that they’ve been reviewing games for so damn long that they’ve forgotten what frustration is.  True difficulty is not based on one’s inability to proceed further in a game, especially in cases where it leads to frustration.  I tell you this simply as a gamer, neither hardcore nor casual.
• Why Am I Still Ranting?! – No, seriously, how is it that I can make so many negative points about a single, simple video game?  I could actually keep going on and on too.  The way the knockout system works is now completely broken, useless, and random (think “trying to win at Mario Party” random) with your wins usually happening via TKO more than anything else.  There are only 3 rounds (this isn’t Wii Boxing dammit give me 10 rounds) to play vs an opponent, after which the ref (who isn’t Mario?!  How do you have a game that’s all about calling back to the original without making the ref Mario?!) makes an uneducated decision as to who won and you have no idea why it went one way or the other.  The music is forgettable.  I’m pretty sure I sensed some racism in the way some of these foreign opponents were presented.  You can only control with a Wiimote (either with nunchuck or holding sideways) so using a Gamecube controller or the classic controller add-on is out of the question.  The reason for this is actually due to poor UI design and how the manage to fuck that up in such a simple straight-forward game just screams “fucking lazy.”  To top this all off, I feel like this game took 6 months to make and was only made to appease the people who felt this past year of Nintendo releases has been (and definitely WAS) complete shit!  I have no doubt in my mind that development of this game started in response to the poor reception Nintendo received after last year’s E3.  Again, the fact that I can rant so much about this game should be a clear indicator that something is wrong!

Ok, enough of that.  What did they manage to do right?  Split-screen multiplayer, 18 opponents, 17 of which you fight a second time around with slight modifiers to make them harder, a difficulty that core-gamers would enjoy, voice-acting, some humorous illustrations of the opponents outside the ring, a little bit of FMV of the guy who stole your bike (your trainer), and let’s face it, solid gameplay that will remind you of the original Punch-Out!!

This game is a rental at best.  Do not give Nintendo the money for this until it drops in price by about half.  This is not a $50 game, it’s a $20 or less game.  You will feel stupid for buying it right now, so don’t.  But hey, if you want to, buy it.  I won’t stop you.  But if you gain anything from this ranty review, it’s this.  Just because a game is decent on the Wii does not mean it should suddenly receive good reviews.  If I buy a game for $50 I expect to play it for more than 2 days and not become bored to the point of actually wanting to resell the game.

So, now that you’ve had your daily dose of rant, would you kind people who’ve already played this game please tell me what you think?  I want more insight into why people actually think this game deserves such high praise.  Have I simply become a spoiled brat for having expectations of this generation’s games, or does this particular game leave you wanting more as well?  Tell me!